Translating the Metro

Did you see this groundbreaking story in the Metro yesterday?

Let me translate:

“We’ve been stalking Pippa Middleton. Yes, she who has the misfortune of being sister to the lass who married the prince, and is now public property. It’s OKAY for us to stalk her, make wild claims about her love life and monitor how often she changes her clothes. Look! She’s practically ASKING for it. She’s out in public, ferchrissake!

“She’s not very interesting, we must admit. Not dumping that boyfriend anywhere near as quickly as we’d like, not falling over drunk, not accidentally losing control of a breast, dammit.

“But LOOK! She’s wearing the SAME DRESS TWO DAYS RUNNING! Stinky cow. Dirty mare. At least she changed her shoes. Wassat? Oh yes, we are in principle in support of the rich not ridiculously flaunting their wealth. And yes, I suppose we have, on occasion, maybe worn the same thing twice. But that’s not the point! Didn’t you see? Same dress twice. She’s either an absolute slob, or she DIDN’T GO HOME LAST NIGHT. Bet she was with Prince Harry. No doubt about it.

“What? So what if she’s with her boyfriend? Who is he anyway? She was with Harry. Look how she’s matched the shade of her (two-day-old) dress to his hair and freckles.”

Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s what they meant. But here’s my favourite bit.

“She would be forgiven for being relieved not to be linked with Prince Harry, as the media focused on his new romance with Florence Brudenell-Bruce.”

May I translate again?

“We will NEVER forgive her for being so damn uncooperative and refusing to shag Harry. That would have made a much better story. In fact, we tried our damnedest to write that story anyway. He calls the knickerless wench Commando, remember. If THAT’S not foreplay, what is? This Loudon just won’t get the message. Didn’t he read our story Pippa Middleton and Alex Loudon ‘have split’? Guess he took those quotation marks seriously.

“Damn. Lost the party line there for a second. What was I saying. She could be forgiven for being relieved that all those stories we’ve been writing about her relationship with her fiance breaking down and her getting all hot and bothered for Harry were pure bullshit. She could be forgiven for being relieved that we’ve put, most probably, a huge strain on her relationship and made her life pretty fricking difficult in general.

“In theory, she could. But we don’t.

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